New Years Un-Resolutions

mama and sad boy

I spent the beginning of December pinching myself about my family visiting and spent 100% of the time after they arrived focused on showing them a grand time. Without any 10 minute break, breather, or nap, we jetted to Phuket for a boatingsnorkelingdivingelephant and beer fest, followed by so many Thai markets, street food, and moments. Then I unpacked my bags, and repacked them for a quick, cold NYE "woo!" in Vietnam. 
That is how us Bellino's like to travel. 

It felt like I existed in two realities at once. I live the life of a woman working and living alone with no one to think of/care for/ seek help from. Then you feel the living beating heart of someone from a past life you forgot you lived, and you're transported back to a different type of home, organized and decorated with a whole new array of emotions, memories, needs, routines, and habits. The nomadic, independent, curious but silent, and self-reliant me dissipates and I am once again needing to feel my mother's hand in mine or hear my brothers and sisters laugh. Despite this mindfuck, it was not entirely a flipped switch back to an old reality. Like the old asian saying, or recently copied James Franco quote: same same but different. I was the emotional, vulnerable baby, yet this time the leader to whom everyone sought for fun and adventure.  

I am so incredibly thankful for my family and all that they do. Such as, my mother and father planning and funding the accommodations, transfers, delicious meals, or multitude of activities. Or my siblings making even the most uneventful train rides, empty bars, and periods of rest memorably hilarious. I'm thankful for our ability to learn from one another with each time spent together and to always saying yes to an opportunity of risk, whether it be an unrelenting elephant with something to say, following me on an uncertain rock climb barefoot, or eating all of the food I ordered for you. I know these times occur less frequent as we grow up and are truly rarely seen in this world, and I will never take any of these opportunities to be with my family for granted. 

Havana

So after all of that excitement you'd think I'd be on fire with joy, unformidable in my refueled sense of place and accomplishment, especially ready for the new year. Perhaps it is hormones (I can NOT stop tearing up) or exhaustion, but I have been having mental meetings with myself and have reached a point of surrender to my current interior state. If I want to live up to my self proclaimed authenticity then I must admit to myself what I'm thinking, regardless of an audience reading it. Taking this job and moving to Thailand is one of the best decisions I've made in my life thus far, and I am very thankful and still surprised it even happened to me, but, just like so many people predicted, it is HARD! It's been hard in socially awkward ways, in public meltdown ways, and seeing-red frustrating ways. But the worst way it has been hard? The inconclusive and ambiguous and undefined kind of way that you have no clear opinion on, but still feel a cognitive dissonance and can't even name. I'm all about challenges, but I'm in a mental Birdbox right now. 

The other day, I was prompted with the question: "What are you resolute for? What would you work for for 7 years, and then when those years were up, without hesitation, work another 7 years for?"

Think about it. What in your life comes to mind immediately?

( to be clear I'm referring to earthly things, not faith related or obviously important things like family)

What am I working towards every day when I get up in the morning?

All I could think of were large. vague, mostly intangible things that did not outbeat the other. 

And honestly, the fact that I couldn't answer that question pissed me off. Here I am, living a very good life and yet I am looking around, clueless at where/what I wanted to reach for. How unfruitful. How ungrateful and desensitized. Things I very much so try to actively avoid (ie my blog name). 

But, you see, I have been stepping around these thoughts for a couple months and quite frankly forgot about the sore spot and allowed it to scab over until I went to Vietnam, then my eyes noticed the unattended-to fester. We went to Vietnam and I expect a shade similar to Thailand, but a different smell of street food, a heavier kind of dust, a familiar fragrant elixir of spices, and a heavy tongued accent I could not context-clue my way around. Instead, it was a bombed out city with freezing winds, raunchy neon signs, honking cars, and dirty streets. Instead of humidity and spice, we found winter jackets and buttery hotpot. Instead of herbal teas we drank watery beer and sweet weasel and egg coffee. I was so unprepared for the energy of the culture, I spent the first night or two keeping my family out late so we could continue exploring the city, mouths gaped eyes open. Either from cold or the coffee did it, I was so stoked--the feeling of a newly unwrapped city I was not ready to receive. Something I first felt when I went to New Zealand and had forgotten too soon upon arrival to Asia. Everything about me was stimulated at once. Everything around me was moving so quickly and so loudly and so colorfully!!

I've been told I bite off more than I can chew and, while I agree in enjoying the sun while it's out, I also know you have to know where the sun is if you're trying to enjoy it. Maybe focusing on a mental dissonance was a waste of time and perhaps ungrateful, but it causes me to look within and spring forward off the ledge I climb back out onto. 

Hanoi

Cat Ba

As someone not built for the cold for more than 3 days, my arrival home from Vietnam has incurred a week of recovery. 4 days of winter weather is long enough for me, truly. Everyone is home safe, exhausted, fattened, somewhat broke, and emptied of holiday spirit. It would make sense why I'm so aware of a displaced emotion. 

So what am I resolute for? Well, so often we see the depiction of war between the heart and the head to be subject to some forbidden love. In my case, it's certainly not for any man, but for a place to call home. I personally cannot live without a home base and to me, home is wherever my parents are and family gathers. I'd wait 7, 14, or 21 years to be able to go back to my home, but I'd also do the same to see the world. Where does that leave me? I like it here, but I crave the new, but I need a place to call home. FUCK!

Alas, a bad case of wanderlust and homesickness unable to share the same bed. 

Grand Palace

Ha Long Bay

Chateau William

Phi Phi Islands

Chateau William sitting room

Phi Phi Islands

Does this post need a conclusion? Absolutely not. If I were to stumble upon some resolution, it certainly would be found on the back of a motorbike at sunset going far over the speed limit or drinking Hanoi beer on the back of a uninspected sailboat or peering out at UNESCO Heritage archipelagoes, not looking at a screen in the middle of the night with an non-FDA approved face mask on. 

I share these thoughts, photos, and nonsense rambling to remember, to encourage, and to know that not knowing was just where I needed to be during this wonderful time of inconclusion, unprediction, healthy wondering, and curious wandering.

Note to self: stop writing these at midnight