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I feel like I have ran a million miles away from home and are now glancing back at the length of path I need to follow to find deep rest. Quite an unsettling distance. Perhaps I'd better just find comfort in where I am. No need to rush home. It's not going anywhere.  That isn't what I meant to convey.  It's not a feeling of rush or urgency that pulls my heart. It's the amount of time I need to spend alone, the amount of time it will take to not feel alone.  That  is the tug on my heart, comparable to a rope tied onto the leg of a racehorse, a speeding train, or falling boulders.   I'm having a hard time loving hard and loving deeply into those around me, and even myself, when my roots are 10 feet deep in another country. I've got nothing here in Thailand but ginger, fragile roots and I'm growing tired of struggling to find something to grip onto and water to drink.  Perhaps I'm just lonely.  Well that is an easy fix, I'll pu

I haven't written in awhile. Honestly didn't want to sit down and format on my laptop, let alone unpack my thoughts. My eyes always feel burnt, my body is exhausted, and I've already used my allotted chunk of thought for the day. I won't write everything, I'm beyond trying to remember every detail, place, and face. I'll repost what I wrote when rhetoric hit me at every moment outside of the ones where I am in front of a screen... January.   I re-centered myself. I logged off. I did a lot of yoga and prioritized sleep.  I started making art again but I was unsatisfied. I was numb, unaware I was nauseous with homesickness. January 18 Isn’t it funny when your shadow of reality - the one standing right next to you all this time - slaps you in the face and you have the gall to be surprised.  It just hit me that one day I won’t live in Bangkok. That one day, in the relatively near future, I won’t be “the girl that lives across the world.” I’ll just be your

mama and sad boy I spent the beginning of December pinching myself about my family visiting and spent 100% of the time after they arrived focused on showing them a grand time. Without any 10 minute break, breather, or nap, we jetted to Phuket for a boatingsnorkelingdivingelephant and beer fest, followed by so many Thai markets, street food, and moments. Then I unpacked my bags, and repacked them for a quick, cold NYE "woo!" in Vietnam.  That is how us Bellino's like to travel.  It felt like I existed in two realities at once. I live the life of a woman working and living alone with no one to think of/care for/ seek help from. Then you feel the living beating heart of someone from a past life you forgot you lived, and you're transported back to a different type of home, organized and decorated with a whole new array of emotions, memories, needs, routines, and habits. The nomadic, independent, curious but silent, and self-reliant me dissipate